i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
