we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
