2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
