In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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