There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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