and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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