I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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