i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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