Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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