I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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