i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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