Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
