the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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