Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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