I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
