i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
