enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
