And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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