got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
