Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
