i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
