I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
