I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
