I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
