You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You were trust falling into bushes
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
