at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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