god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I pour the whiskey from now on
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