soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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