Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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