can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
