our cab driver is having phone sex.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
