One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
