I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
