You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
