All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
