you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
