I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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