seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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