8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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