You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
