He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
