I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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