I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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