I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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