if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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