So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You can't special order awesome
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
