i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
FUCK WHALES
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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