I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
