I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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