Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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