apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
