yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
