phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
