Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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